Friday, February 18, 2011

The last post replays in my head constantly. I'm starting to wonder when/if it will ever stop. Thinking about it makes me cry and since I think about it all the time...well, you see the problem. I'm assuming it is normal but I'm not sure how to figure out if it actually is. Seeing your child lifeless has to make you feel a little off for a while.

The entire time Ty was in the hospital, I was strong. It was like my body wouldn't let me process anything. He was having needles full of IVs forced into his body, the nurse begging him to kick her while she poked him and...I just watched. I held my baby's hand and did all that I could to make him better...nothing. I sat there praying these amazing women really knew what they were doing. I cannot even begin to thank them for their knowledge, their love of children...everything. I hate to even think of what would have happened if just one of them felt off that day. The what if's are driving me crazy.

I dream almost nightly that Ryan and Ty fell asleep when we got back and I didn't go in to check on him. Thankfully, I did but I still can't stop thinking about it.

My brother said that when it's your time, it's your time and not matter what could have didn't. I know that. My head knows really does. I know I am so lucky that my baby boy is fine. Totally and perfectly fine, yet I think every time he doesn't have a huge smile on his face, something is horribly wrong. He had a stomach ache earlier this week and I was convinced we were heading back to the hospital.

Ok, I am done for now.

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